Fern

So I did originally suggest that Eating Croydon would be more on the middle class side of things, and I’m not sure there is a restaurant more pretentious than Fern, in Croydon.

It almost doesn’t seem like it belongs in Croydon (and the website does name itself as fernlondon.co.uk, so maybe it doesn’t actually want to belong to Croydon). It certainly does belong to the imposing yet quite glamourous-looking block of rental apartments.

Under one of the towers there is a Starbucks. I shall not be reviewing a Starbucks.

Under the other tower, there is Fern. In case you haven’t guessed, I shall be reviewing Fern.

Croydon isn’t exactly new to the world of towering buildings – indeed Croydon was apparently once known as Little Manhattan, perhaps only to people trying to market Croydon, or now just an exhibition that happened a couple of years ago at the Museum of Croydon.

One of them is even named as affectionately as the Walkie-Talkie or the Gherkin in central London, the 50p building – or is it Croydon Spaceport?

One of the towers even persuaded me to move to Croydon – well, that and the fact that Croydon was the only place in London that I could afford to buy a flat.

Fernally I’ve Made It To Review Number Three

Anyway, enough about towers. Let’s see if Fern can tower its way to the top of my list of places to eat in Croydon.

We had a table on a Friday evening, the rather aloof but friendly enough waiter showed us to our table if as we were lucky that the booking worked, yet it was only mildly busy.

The music inside was relatively pumping, house music – thankfully for my ears and soul. I’m not so sure that my mother agreed.

I forgot to photograph the menu so have just copied what is on the website, but it seems almost the same as when I went, bar one dish missing. A small plates menu that is split into plant, sea and land sections. And a confusing one…like how do you theme such a meal around this?

Neither did I photograph the foccacia, which thankfully did come before the rest of the small plates – always a kind of fear when told that plates will come in any order the kitchen fancies, that the bread turns up at the end. Alas, foccacia was very dense and heavy – the harissa butter far too minimal to help.

Not a good start.

Towering Review

Also they didn’t have the IPA that was on their menu, so I made way for a pretty average lager. Not entirely sure why I didn’t order some wine, given this really was a wine kinda meal, but it was a hot day, and it was Friday after work – beer just felt right.

Thankfully life improved from here.

Cod croquettes were little balls of delight, as most croquettes are (did you know central London, yuck, has a small restaurant dedicated to them?). The aioli was light, and the flavour of cod really was quite punchy. Though at £4.00 a croquette, it really needed to be on the special side…it was on the special side.

Next up was the tomato salad. A spoon would have been helpful given that in a small plate environment we are tasked with filling our own plates – the tomatoes were pretty fresh, not Sicilian standards but certainly better than Tesco’s tomatoes. Then again, canned tomatoes from World War 2 rations would probably better Tesco’s tomatoes.

Again £12.00 for the dish does seem a tad steep for something which had just been sliced and put into a bowl for us, with the accompanying feta, basil, watermelon and some kind of balsamic sauce.

Courgette fritti seemed as half-arsed as my attempts at writing this post, which has taken several weeks because…busy.

Yet I did enjoy them. Really, they needed some more crisp to them, in my view. A chilli and lime yoghurt came with it, which had a mild tang to it.

Not sure I can be bothered with headings

The duck breast was quite tough to cook, and on the small side – I wonder what happened to the rest of the duck? Maybe they just bought the duck breasts in I guess.

I enjoyed the sauce, quite dense and tasted like Chinese Five Spice, though the menu describes it as “hoisin & tamarind jus”. Maybe I’m close. Cucumber? Don’t remember if I touched it.

I also didn’t touch the scallops as two scallops into three people doesn’t go.

I’m told they were very nice. At £7.00 for a tiny scallop, they really should be. Maybe time to leave scallops in the sea to grow a bit?

Next up was a confused-looking dish, which is no longer on their menu – and probably rightly so.

The trout was cooked perfectly, a nice crisp to the skin, and juicy inside – but the sauce and jam concoction, which I didn’t write notes on so I’ve forgotten what it was (told you this reviewing lark is half-arsed), along with the apple slices, just didn’t make any sense. I enjoyed the trout. I ignored the sauce.

Finally, and the one strong recommendation from the waiter, was the crispy potatoes.

Probably everyone should order these, unless you have a potato intolerance.

Weirdly-shaped yet excellent crispy potatoes, fairly soft inside with a scattering of oregano and garlic. Apparently rosemary too, but I didn’t clock that. Arguably the best dish we ordered.

Fern

This meal was a bit confusing. There was so much to choose from on the menu, and with sharing plates it became tricky to try to curate a meal that balanced well.

Clearly the kitchen folk at Fern are talented – they have designed and cook a plethora of styles of dish, from the delicacy of scallops, through to Italian-style dishes such as the tomato salad or the meatballs, or Chinese-style flavours in the duck or the pork dishes…and multiple other influences too.

Perhaps it was our fault for confusing ourselves with too many different flavours – and they weren’t half-assed efforts at flavour either.

I enjoyed most things I ate, but I couldn’t quite get around why I needed such a messy plethora of flavours – no matter how much I enjoyed individual parts. Maybe I’m just done with small plates, outside of España anyway.

It’s not a cheap place, in fact some of the dishes were a little eye-popping in prices, though it is next to the train station, so there is that.

I’m going to score it a 7.40 out of 10. I fully intend on going back for their brunch and Sunday roast menus at some point. I’m not sure I’d go back for the all-day menu, as I just couldn’t fully get my head around it. My fault? Their fault? Do pop in the comments if you feel either way.

The bill came to £155.82 between 3 of us – we didn’t have any wine or dessert, so you could easily see how a meal at Fern could notch towards the £80.00 each mark.

And that’s that. Hopefully next time I eat out in Croydon it will be much more affordable!

You know, if this was Walthamstow, there would be a nice little bakery in one of these retail units at the bottom here.

Maybe we might get another vape shop.